Finally!! Bloody dolphins!

It's been a good week, all in all. The day after Oli's birthday, two friends came to spend some time with me. These girls I have known for a very long time.. one since I was 5 (that's fifty years... although, catch me on a more devious day and I'll tell you it's 40 years) and the other since I was 15 or so. There is something very comforting about old friends such as these, especially ones that you spent your informative years with.. they've seen every side of you, experienced some of your most embarrassing moments; some of your amazing achievements; been there to pick you up off the floor when you've been crushed by a disastrous three month love affair and pulled your hair back in the pub bog when you've been throwing up from too many Pernod and blacks (or Merrydown cider... or, for that matter, any other sickly combination of alcohol that we used to pour down our necks in abundance). It was lovely to see them and for them to see where I am and how I've settled over the last three months. However, even old friends such as these cannot derail a rowing session so we headed over to St Mawes on Thursday evening for them to watch me launch off into the wild blue yonder... and what a wild blue it was.

Finally, the day after his birthday, Oli has sent me some dolphins!! And not just one or two.. he sent a whole load! We were rowing out in the direction of St Anthony Head when we saw them and they came right up to the boat and surrounded us. It was such a magical site. I honestly can't believe that this sort of experience is part of my life. I live in a beautiful place with such lovely people and then I've got dolphins popping up every now and again! I do believe that Oli orchestrated most of this before he died (maybe not the dolphins.. that came after). He made sure that we were in the right place, meeting the right people and getting the house sorted... I have so much to be thankful to him for. I really am very lucky.. and you know what? I'm happy. There. I've said it. I am actually happy and I am trying not to feel any guilt about that. I am happy because Oli has given me every tool to navigate my way forward without him. I am happy because I have been so very loved. I am happy because I have an amazing support network of family and friends and I am happy because, every now and again, dolphins come up real close!

Talking of happy.. after the row of dreams, my visiting friends and I went to a local pub (The Standard Inn) for supper along with two other friends who were also witnesses to my teenage years and who now live in Cornwall. There is nothing like five women, reliving their youth through stories of old and giggling like lunatics to revive the soul. A woman dining alone on a nearby table pretended to read her book but by her little rye smiles and occasional giggle I could tell that she was listening in. 'She may have been reading a funny book', I hear you say. It was called Growth: A Reckoning by Daniel Susskind which apparently 'examines modernity's relentless pursuit of economic growth..' so I think not.

The whole evening felt like a massive breath out after keeping everything in for a very long time. It was a complete tonic. Laughter really is the best medicine.

So there it is. In black and white. I am happy. I will still have bad days; I still have lost the love of my life; I still miss Oli every single minute of every single day and I still have times when I wail on the sitting room floor. But for now... I'm allowing myself to be happy. It's been three months since Oli died and yet it feels like an eternity. Sometimes I wonder whether him and I were just a dream... how can that be? Twenty five years of togetherness, three months of nothing and it's the nothing that has the sway? I, therefore, know my grief journey is still in its early stages.. I'd be naïve to think this was it. There are more tsunami's of shite to come, of that I'm sure, but I've got to take the good times when they are here. And for now, at least, they are here.