Stuck

It's Wednesday. I had a shocking nights sleep last night. Went to bed at 10 and lay there with thoughts whirling through my head until at least 2am. It was a full moon and I wondered whether that had anything to do with it, like by some divine, mystical way the moon was playing with my head. I thought about Oli and the love we had, I imagined the life we would be having if he were still alive and well. I tried to imagine the life I now want for myself and what that would look like. I berated myself for seeing it with another partner. It felt wrong, somehow but I couldn't quite place my finger on why. Weak, maybe. I've never been a single person.. always had boyfriend growing up and through my twenties. When I think about it properly, I don't think I've been single for more than a month or two since I was 16. I know that being on my own right now is good for me and will give me strength further down the line, and of course, no one will ever replace Oli but still, I found myself seeing a companion in the future. I then got cross thinking about the cistern lid of my loo which got broken and hasn't been replaced and the coving in my hallway which remains undone. For some reason, after 11pm at night, I get disproportionally angry about the little things, which during the day seem totally manageable. So there I lay. Angry, sad and nostalgic, all at the same time which no amount of melatonin gummies could shift and send me off to la la land.

As a result, I'm feeling a little narky this morning. I can't leave the house because I am waiting for a templating worktop man to come and template my new worktops and I am feeling stuck in a rut that is my life. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for life to return to an even keel. I just want to feel normal again. I want some structure and I want to feel like I have a purpose.. not just sit here and take the dog for a walk everyday. If I was the person reading this, rather than the person writing it, I would think 'For fucks sake, if that's how you feel, get up out of your chair, stop fucking around and go and get a job..' which, of course, is a logical response. But for some reason, it seems such a lot harder to do than one would expect. My confidence has taken a complete nose dive since Oli died and, whilst I really like the idea of a job, I worry about Mary and having to leave her for hours on end and, whilst that seems like a poor excuse, it's also a real one. I feel stuck in my grief and in my circumstances and I feel like, as Spring approaches, that I want to move forward. Then, when I think that, I feel guilty about wanting to move forward without Oli... do you see my fucking dilemma?? (mmm... never realised dilemma has two m's..) Grief puts you in a permanent state of flow sending you spiralling downwards until you have no energy to do anything. I have to contend with a life that I wasn't expecting, in a place I feel I barely know with nothing to grab hold of to steady myself. I hate feeling stuck.. I want to move forward.. I want to feel bloody normal again.. to have a life that isn't overshadowed by tragedy. I need a job.