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The following was written on 14th May.. 7 months to the day Oli died. I didn't feel strong enough to post at the time but I do now... and I did.. I heard him. I heard him this morning. It's as if he came to me. It felt like he wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear 'I love you. You make me so happy.' And I felt his whole body wrap around me and envelop me. I whispered back, 'Thank you'. So grateful as I was to receive his message and his love.

I haven't written for a while... which I'm taking as a good thing. I only feel the need to write when I'm feeling compromised by my emotions.. by which I mean sad. That's not to say I have felt unsad.. I continue with my grief as always. I cry as soon as I wake up most mornings and think about Oli constantly, but I've kept myself busy and life has brought friends and laughter which always lightens the load. Today, however, I feel as if I've taken a massive step back

Life, as it does, has carried on regardless of my feelings. The world continues to turn; the sun sinking down and the moon rising. And here I sit. In my silence, quietly mourning the loss of my love and my life. Everyday things still have to happen. I get up, shower, get dressed, feed the dog, make a cup of tea, clean, shop, take the dog for a walk... life just continues and I cope. I smile when I'm supposed to; make small talk; do enough to get by when all the whi

It's Wednesday. I had a shocking nights sleep last night. Went to bed at 10 and lay there with thoughts whirling through my head until at least 2am. It was a full moon and I wondered whether that had anything to do with it, like by some divine, mystical way the moon was playing with my head. I thought about Oli and the love we had, I imagined the life we would be having if he were still alive and well. I tried to imagine the life I now want for myself and what that wo

It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go ba

The following post was written on 13th September, 2024. Oli had been diagnosed for two months and had started Chemotherapy. His life expectancy without treatment was 4-6 months but with treatment could be up to 2 years. I was trying to come to terms with how our lives had changed and what this meant for Oli, but also for me. Growing up, I always wanted a big family. I was part of a pretty fab team of five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters, but I always dreamt that when I