Heading West

Life, as it does, has carried on regardless of my feelings. The world continues to turn; the sun sinking down and the moon rising. And here I sit. In my silence, quietly mourning the loss of my love and my life. Everyday things still have to happen. I get up, shower, get dressed, feed the dog, make a cup of tea, clean, shop, take the dog for a walk... life just continues and I cope. I smile when I'm supposed to; make small talk; do enough to get by when all the whi

It's Wednesday. I had a shocking nights sleep last night. Went to bed at 10 and lay there with thoughts whirling through my head until at least 2am. It was a full moon and I wondered whether that had anything to do with it, like by some divine, mystical way the moon was playing with my head. I thought about Oli and the love we had, I imagined the life we would be having if he were still alive and well. I tried to imagine the life I now want for myself and what that wo

It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go ba

The following post was written on 13th September, 2024. Oli had been diagnosed for two months and had started Chemotherapy. His life expectancy without treatment was 4-6 months but with treatment could be up to 2 years. I was trying to come to terms with how our lives had changed and what this meant for Oli, but also for me. Growing up, I always wanted a big family. I was part of a pretty fab team of five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters, but I always dreamt that when I