Friends..

The following is a piece I found in my old notebook whilst I was looking for other things.. I'm not sure of the exact date it was written but it was sometime in May 2025.

I wish you could see where I'm writing this. I'll post a picture but I'm not sure it will do it justice. I'm on a double swing seat with a plump cushion, facing the sun and the sea. In the distance I can see Gull Rock and in the foreground I can see my messed up garden which is in the middle of being landscaped. To be honest, it looks a little like the Somme but luckily I can graze over it to the sea beyond. It's a fab thinking spot and every morning when the weather is as good, as it is now, I come out in my pj's and a large mug of coffee and think.

Friends have been in my thoughts this morning. A drama such as ours has a way of dividing friends into groups: Those who are amazing, thoughtful and kind and those who fade away; who stop calling or messaging and seemingly forget you exist. It can be a hurtful process, especially to one who has a predisposition to over sensitivity. In my more reasonable moments, I can tell myself that it's not that they don't care or like us anymore but just that they feel awkward or are simply getting on with their own lives and troubles. However, my insecurities answers with thoughts like 'they didn't like us that much in the first place' or 'they are all talking about us behind our backs'. Ridiculous and paranoid, I know, but when you are feeling vulnerable these thoughs can get the better of you.

To be fair, I haven't been in touch with a lot of these people either but then I'm trying to deal with my life as it is... a husband dying of cancer; a new life in Cornwall; managing treatments and expectations of what life will be like in the future... all of which can be totally overwhelming which is why I need friends! On the flip side, there have been a small army of friends who have been incredible with regular phone calls; meet ups; silly cards.. always supportive, loving and generous with their time. To those friends.. thank you. You make a huge difference to my life on a regular basis and your words of encouragment, silly jokes and fantastic advice has helped us both muddle through the last year.

Maybe that's what it is. This nightmare started about a year ago. May be Mr. M's illness has gone on too long for some people. Maybe they figure that as he's still alive he must be doing OK... that we've just got used to this and it's all fine. Is that possible? A close friend who has been in a very similar situation shared with me recently that some of her friends didn't acutally believe that her husband had cancer at all. Why would anyone think like that? Her husband, whilst not totally out of the woods, is doing much better but he still had Stage 4 cancer... still went through life changing and a life limiting illness which is a constant threat in their lives to this day. Why would peole believe this to be a lie? Is it that when you can't cope with information or feel like you don't have the time for it to fit into your own life, the easiest thing to do is to convince yourslef it's not real? That way you are absolving yourself of responsibility - you don't have to feel bad about not keeping in touch or helping a friend because there's no need... it's not real.

I'm also surprised by who's melted away and who's stepped up. Some friends who we only saw once a year before diagnosis have become much closer because of their kindness and compassion. Just regular messages letting us know that they are there and they care have been an incredible source of strength. Yet others, who I thought were some of my closest friends, no longer call or message at all which can feel so hurtful at a time when you are hurting more than you ever have before.

Overall we are lucky. We have a good support network and once we have more headspace we will be able to make new friends in our new home. It's difficult to make new friends when you have such a catastrophic ongoing presence in your life. It's as if you don't want to bring new friends into that world.. it's not fair on them and more importantly, I'm sure they'd, understandably, be hesitant to befriend anyone carrying such monumental baggage.

To sum up. Some people let you down and some step up to the plate and you really can't tell who will and who won't until it happens. People suprise you all the time.. both in a good way and in a disappointing way. And if I could give you one piece of advise it would be to send a message to a friend who's going through a tought time today... or pick up the phone and give them a call; arrange to go and spend some time. Don't worry about what to say or awkwardness. The liklihood is that they'll be so delighted that you reached out that you'll be laughing and chatting like you used to in no time. And I'm sure it would absolutely make their day.

P.S. I feel this is a very needy blog post... It's screaming 'HELP' but that's not what I'm saying. Friendships are one of my most valued possessions and without them I simply couldn't survive. I hold them dear and don't let them go without a fight. The only exception to this is if I feel they are doing me more harm than good... which is rare. As a result I am blessed with being able to call some of the most amazing, kind, generous, life loving people my friends. I am lucky. You lot know who you are and you are all friggin' awesome. Thank you.

Maybe putting things out to the universe isn't such a pile of crock after all. After I wrote this piece, I read it to my husband, cried, then got a fabulous message from a lovely old friend that I lost touch with about seven years ago asking to meet up, read a book about the 'Let Them' theory by Mel Robbins (thought it was going to be a pile of American self help bullshit but am actually really enjoying it and finding it helpful.. who knew?!) and then got a lovely funny meme from another friend telling me I was a can of Fanta and a stick (work it out for yourself) and then I got a card from that same friend with ugly men in mankinis on.. which is one of a number of funny cards she sends regularly. I also had a long chat with another friend who is going through hell and back; arranged to meet another friend for a picnic on the beach and arranged with another few friends for a BBQ on the beach... The Friends God was surely looking down on me and I am very grateful I have a fab bunch of mates.