Cheer up, luv! FFS!

Christ Alive! When will this constant hurt ever end? We are ramping up to go to the Scillies tomorrow for the World Pilot Gig Championships and so I have driven up to Hampshire, to my parents, to drop Mary off to stay with them until I'm back. I hadn't realised just how dependant I had become on Mary, my Rhodesian Ridgeback. I had always thought that the relationship was a bit one sided with her needing me more than I needed her but as the thought of leaving her settles, I realise that it may lean the other way more than I realised. She has been with me through all of my darkest moments. She's lain beside me when I have fallen to my knees with grief and listened to my howls of pain and sobbing. She snuggles up to me on the sofa when watching TV and hunkers up next to me at night... she has been my constant throughout this complete nightmare and I feel anxious to leave her even though it's only for a week... ridiculous really... but there it is. That's me.

Whilst in Hampshire, I headed over to St Mary Bourne to have a cuppa with a dear friend. I was early so popped into the village shop that I used to run to grab a couple of croissants for us. I don't know why I do it to myself. Having to walk past the house that Oli and I loved so much and where every sign, fence or bump in the road is a reminder of a passed life that I no longer have access to. I was suddenly flooded with memories and emotions that were so raw that I felt the loss of Oli all over again as keenly as I had six months ago. It's a physical pain as well as an emotional one.. I can actually feel my heart breaking. I thought I was over all of this and that I was climbing up the other side but today I feel right back at the beginning again. I couldn't get out of the village quick enough... I literally, fled. It was too much.

I think I'm feeling all this is because I am going to the Scillies. It's an adventure that I know Oli would have loved to have come on and I'm so worried that my emotions are going to get the better of me. It's the first time I would have travelled anywhere other than my parents house since he died and I've never felt more alone. Sometimes, you can feel your most lonely in a crowded room and I think that's what it's going to be like in the Scillies for me... my crew and all those other rowers.. in a sea of people, quite literally, and yet the one person I want to be there has disappeared without a trace.

So. Here we go. Chin up, tits out and shoulders back. Big girl pants strapped on. It's time. Everything that me and my fabulous crew has trained for over the last six months is about to be condensed into a few races and we are about to experience something amazing and magical. The time for crying is past and it's time to smile and be brave.. Oli would want me to. I know he'd be so proud of me and I want to make sure that I honour his memory, absolutely. Wish me and the crew luck!

P.S. If you feel any inclination then feel free to follow our adventures.. the races are live streamed on YouTube if you search Gig Rower. Timetable of our races are below:

Red Boat - Killigerran

Friday 1st May - Ladies Supervets

12:00 St Agnes Race

16:30 Nut Rock Race

Saturday 2nd May -

10:10  Ladies Supervets Final (if we make the top 12...fingers crossed!)

Open Races Ladies B

12:30 St Agnes Race

15:50 Nut Rock Race 1

Sunday 3rd May

10:00 Nut Rock Race 2

15:30 Nut Rock Finals