A letter to my love.

My Gorgeous Boy,

Six months.. it's been six months since you left me entirely. I say entirely as we both know, I lost you way before then. There's a song with the lyrics;

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you

Take me back to the night we met.

I listen to it now and again, not too often as it makes me cry.. but the lyrics fit us perfectly.

I thought I'd write you a letter to let you know how I'm getting on. I'd like to think you already know as you look down on me everyday, but the jury is still out on the afterlife. I think I don't see signs from you because you never really believed in all of that stuff, so even if you are there, you don't really want to take part in visitations and sending me signs.

You'll be pleased to know that I'm managing to get up and dressed every day and am making a damn good attempt of looking like I'm keeping it together for those around me. I still cry a lot, but not with the same ferocity that I used to. Some days, I still can't believe that I'm never going to see you again; hold you again. It catches me off guard and takes my breath away. A photo came up on my phone this morning of you sitting on the deck over the stream at Trestan. It's how I always remember you. Big, strong and slightly grubby from doing work in the garden... handsome.

Mary is doing OK. She still misses you and sometimes runs to the car to see if you're there when I come back from being out. It breaks my heart every time. She's been a great support for me and is my best friend... she's taken to sleeping on your side of the bed, which, I have to say, I don't discourage. It's comforting to hear her breathing at night... although her farts have the ability to wake me up sometimes they're so strong!!

The building work is continuing slowly. It's been a long time and I hope they will finish soon. It's been hard to lose you amongst the dust, noise and disruption. I know that's what you wanted and you wanted to get the house set up for me but it's been really tough... a layer that I could have done without. I know why you started the building project but I'm not sure it has been the best thing for me.. especially now as it's still going on with no end in sight just yet.

On the upside, I've got a job! Becks and a friend of hers have opened up a fab little shop where her mum used to be. It's nice to be useful again and have some structure to my life. The shop has a great view out to Gull Rock and I think of you every time I look out. I think about our life and what it would be like if you were still here. I think about the fun we'd be having... you'd have loved this life and Portscatho. I'm sad you never really got to experience it when you were well. It's ironic to think that we'd just worked out how to live properly when it was all taken away. I feel bad that you wanted to make the move sooner and I held you back... for what? I should have done it sooner.. for you, for us. Easy to say with hindsight, I guess, but it doesn't relieve the guilt much.

I've also started eating like an adult. This is a new thing. For months I've been surviving off crisps, chocolate and wine, only having a proper meal when I went out to eat with friends. I hate cooking for one as it emphasises the lonliness and solitude. But my skin was starting to get a bit out of control and I felt it was time to grow up a little. I now get frozen blocks of food from a company called Stocked and it's working. It takes minutes to defrost and all I have to do is add in pasta or rice or whatever. I used to love cooking and loved it when you cooked too... you were ace at it. Now, it's just a chore I have to get through in order to survive and there is no joy in it at all.

I miss you, Ol. I miss you so much... every day. Six months.. I can't believe it. Although it seems like you've been gone for years already. I guess that's because I lost you way before October 14th. This weekend will mark 2 years since we first started to move our stuff down to Pollaughan Farm. Do you remember? You surprised me by inviting Doug and Viv down and we celebrated our move with them. There was so much promise in the air then, although it came with a massive amount of uncertainty too. But it was uncertainty that I could cope with because you were by my side... you and me against the world.. remember?!

Our first weekend in Portscatho

Pollaughan Farm - our temporary home

Rowing has been a life line for me. It gets me out of my head and onto the water... it's made more enjoyable by the fact that I know you loved it as much as I do. You'd be proud of me. I've got a lot better... and stronger. Scillies is less than 3 weeks away and I'm looking forward to it. I know it's going to be hugely emotional for me as I get to do something I know you would have loved to have done and that makes me incredibly sad... guilty almost, but I'll carry you with me and hope that your cynicism of the afterlife will break just enough for you to give me and the crew an edge over our competitors!

Your Gig is being built as we speak. Your wonderful friends and family raised enough money for us to donate a Gig to Gerrans Bay Rowing Club in your memory. It will be ready later on in the year and we'll launch it in your honour with a big piss up afterwards. I should also scatter your ashes then too but I really like having you in the sitting room, so not sure I'm ready for that yet... it will be done, I promise... I know it's what you wanted but I really love having you with me in the house... silly, I know.

Our boat got put in the water yesterday. I have done as you asked and made sure it was well looked after over winter and shiny and clean for the summer ahead. I will try and get out in it as much as possible but know that it's going to hurt without you.. I'll think of all the 'disagreements' we had in it when I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. Makes me smile to think of them!! I'll practise my knots too... promise!

Anyway, my angel. That's all to report for this six months.. I'll write to you again on your anniversary. Already dreading that day. Christ, I miss you SO much. You were my world and I'm lost without you... I'm trying really hard to be strong but I fail daily.

I love you with every ounce of my being and will carry you with me wherever I go. If you feel like dropping me a line, or a sign, please do... I'll keep looking for them, against my better judgement.

Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. For loving me and making me so proud to be your wife.

I love you.

Mrs. Madge xxxxxx

P.S. Nice touch with the song playing on my ear buds when sitting on a cliff at the exact time you died six months ago.... maybe you do believe in all this shit after all!