At some point....

I thought hit me this morning whilst out on my dog walk with Mary... at some point, this feeling isn't going to get easier, or better, it's just going to stay the same. Directly after Oli's death and during his illness, deep down, I knew that the pain I was going through was going to ease slightly over time. I knew it was never going to disappear completely but I knew that it wouldn't be as raw, gutteral and painful as it was. I knew time would wear away the edges of the jagged rock of grief and make it a smooth boulder to carry around instead (quite like that analogy). And now here I am, nine and a half months later, wondering whether this is it.. is this the level of pain that I will live with for the rest of my days or will time continue to work its magic?

Summer has been kind to us all and living by the coast is a wonderful thing when the sun continues to shine. I've been kept busy with friends, work and social events and I have loved it. I've had people over for supper, been out on my boat, been out on other peoples boats, completed all the rowing competitions that I had booked for the season and spent some lovely evenings in the pub with mates. My life, if it wasn't for the absolute bleeding obvious, could be seen as pretty much perfect.. everyone tells me I'm doing 'amazingly well' - they don't see the other side so I can see how they would think that. I feel I might have reached a level of grief that has settled. I still have, as you will know if you've read my previous post, some REALLY dark days when even the simple act of getting out of bed is a real struggle but maybe that's just how I'll be ... is this as good as it gets? I don't know. Grief knows no timeline, it's different for everyone so there is just no way of knowing. I think about Oli every day. Every morning I wake disappointed with life and with an emptiness that aches.. but maybe that's just life. Maybe that will ease more over time and the REALLY dark days will just be dark days. Who the fuck knows!!

In the meantime.. pictures of my summer so far.. it's not all bad... in fact, most of it is pretty, darn good thanks to some lovely mates! ... you lot know who you are... xx