A letter to my love.. one year on.

New Recording 122

8:48

Just some thoughts... I can't believe I've managed a whole trip around the sun without you. It seems absurd. And even now, a year on, I can't quite get to grips with it. I know it's real and I think I'm coming to accept it but there are just moments when I think 'What the actual fuck? He must still be here. He must! Because I can't survive without him... and yet here I am.

Quarter to six on a random Tuesday evening, in October, where in a parallel universe you and I were probably discussing what we were going to have for supper and whether or not, in any situation, could a Tuesday be called a non week day so we could have a glass of wine or a beer. But not that Tuesday. Not in our universe, not the one that I currently reside. I held your hand and told you it was OK to go. You could let go. You didn't have to stay for me. I could do it. I was strong enough. You just needed to go and find some peace and relief from the pain you'd been constantly in.

I noticed your fingers first. They started to turn that purple, waxy like state. Breathing heavy and laboured almost became hypnotic and then the breathing just quietened and the breaths came further and further apart. I panicked. Having said and told you it was OK to go I suddenly thought 'No, you can't.... you can't go! What will I do?'... selfishly.

And then you went. And you just weren't there anymore.

What lay before me was just a shell. It didn't stop me climbing next to you and lying by your side and holding you one last time. But you weren't there. You'd already gone. I just wish I knew where.

And here we are. A year on. I'm doing OK. Good days and bad days but the bad days are getting further apart and the good days are more consecutive and that's a joy. And I find myself surrounded by people who love and care and support me and who don't judge me and I think that's mainly down to you. You taught me how to be and I'm determined now to live a life worth living. To surround myself with those people and immerse myself in our life. I know you'll always be right next to me but I also know I have to lead the way now. I've got to forge this life ahead for both of us and I'm going to do it and I'm going to make you proud. And I'm going to live and laugh and love again, just like they say on all those stupid little signs that people hang in their homes (in fact, I think we hung one in our home at one time). But I am. I'll always have your love and for that I am eternally grateful. And you'll always have mine.

But I do need to step out of the grief. I feel it's time. I feel I'm strong enough. I feel I have done a good job with grief. I've sat in it. I've wallowed in it. I've fought it. I've pondered and procrastinated with it. I've questioned it. I've held it. I've let it in. It's become my friend now. No longer my enemy. It's my friend because it helps me remember you. Helps me celebrate you and when I'm sad, I know I'm sad because I loved you and what we had was remarkable. It truly was. I don't expect to ever find that again. That's a once in a lifetime type of thing... but never say never.

Anyway, my love. One year around the sun without you. I never thought that would be humanly possible. I didn't think I was strong enough. Didn't think I had the courage. But I have and not only have I done it but there have been some joyous moments and I have laughed.

You will always be with me. And I miss you every second of every day but I know you're there. I know you're there.

xxxx