Moving... just keep moving.
Life moves on. Whether we like it or not, the world keeps on turning and the sun continues to rise and set each day. Since Oli's anniversary on the 14th, life has done just that.. it's kept moving.
I was about to apologise for my vulnerable, last post. The fact that I added the voice track to it. It wasn't meant to be dramatic. It was more to demonstrate how these posts are written. Generally, a thought forms, usually when I'm not anywhere near my laptop, so I just voice the thought into my phone and then type it up later. These posts are not hours of careful crafting of words (maybe that's abhorrently obvious!) but are just the content of my head splurged out onto a keyboard. These posts do not take hours of my time but merely minutes. I set them out here because if I didn't they would swirl around in my head for days and I think I would slowly loose my mind! I mentioned that I was about to apologise for the last post, but I realise that that would be absurd. Why apologise? Why should I apologise for how I feel or if I lay myself open to vulnerability. You don't have to read it.. or listen to it. I'm just trying to get out of my head.
I do feel Oli's anniversary is a punctuation of some kind to my grief. I'm not sure what... it's certainly not a full stop.. I realise this is a life long condition.. but there is a step change. My English grammar is not proficient enough to know what sort of punctuation I could compare it against (you might of noticed that my written grammar is, somewhat, lawless.. The wild west of grammar, if you will!). But I feel something has shifted. Grief no longer sits front and centre and, as I mentioned in my last post, I certainly feel it has become my friend. It comforts me and allows me to remember Oli and love him in this new way, tailored to the new type of relationship that we find ourselves in.
In any case, my life continues. I've started training for selection for the World Gig Championships. There are eleven people vying for six seats so it is certainly not a given that I will make the cut and my back has 3 prolapsed discs and degenerative facet joints which doesn't help, but I'll carry on and see how far I get. If I'm not selected, I would, of course, be gutted, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm starting to plan 2027 and there are lots of exciting adventures to be had. I want to travel a bit; learn french better and start to compile a book about life, death and grief (fun, eh??). I want to get out on my boat more next summer and spend much more time with those people who fill up my soul with joy. I want to totally embrace life and all it has to offer... say yes to everything and see where it takes me. It's served me well so far, saying yes. I'm excited for what is to come and, quite frankly, I love my life. I feel I am very lucky. Yep! I'm not afraid to say it any longer. Life is good! xxx
Training for the World Gig Champs..
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