Acceptance

They say there are five stages of grief. Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression and Acceptance. It's all a load of bollocks, if you ask me. Grief is not linear, neither is it uniformed. Everyone reacts to it in their own way, getting through the only way they know how. There is no right way and no wrong way.. there is only time which keeps marching on whether we like it or not, rushing past us in such haste that it takes no notice of how we are behaving or coping. I liken it to being caught in a fast running torrent or flash flood; sweeping you along, forcing you under and occasionally allowing you up for gulp of precious air before swallowing you up again and throwing you further along the river when all you want to do is go back. You are totally out of control and there is nothing that you can do to remedy your situation... there is no going back.

I spent a week in Provence in September with some friends from my last village. It was lovely - the sun shone, there was much love and laughter and we ate and drank like Kings. I came away, however, feeling a little more lost than when I went. The group were lovely and fantastic, but I realised, as the week went on, that they were no longer part of where I am now. They are pre Oli - my old life - my Oli and Lara life - my life before it got torn apart; when I was different. Because I have changed. I am no longer the person I was then and the more I tried to get back to my old self whilst I was with the group, I could not. I felt myself retreating into my shell and realised with absolute clarity, at the end of the week, that this was a part of my life that no longer exists and whilst I love them all, and I will keep some of them close, it is better to allow them to move on without me. I've always felt that friends are an essential that one cannot do without and one must protect them and keep them at all costs, and I still believe that to be true, to a degree, but it's also important to know when to let go and allow the past to be the past.

I feel I have reached a stage of Acceptance.. not sure I actually went through any of the other stages; certainly not the prescribed order and I've never been angry about Oli's death but I do feel a peace settling. I have changed. It would be impossible to live the last two and a half years that I have without being changed. I feel, as we approach the anniversary of Oli's death, that I am more content within myself than I have been for a long time. I am learning to live alone and not depend on anyone else for my happiness. I know I can find joy in the simplest of things and I can be independent. That is not to say that I am 'healed'. I still miss Oli everyday. I miss being deeply loved. I miss being someones number one. I miss being held. I miss having someone's back and I miss someone having mine. I miss his touch and I miss his eye's burning with love and emotion. I miss him. But I now have acceptance that this will always be the way and that is just what love is. Our love lives on, even though one of us has died. I hope that, one day, I will be deeply loved again and be someone's number one; that I will be held and I will have someone's back as my priority. But until that day comes, I am perfectly content in the present; in the here and now and in the joy of life as it is. My life is here, in Cornwall, with people who have accepted me for who I am now, not who I was before Oli was ill. Who don't seem to judge me but do make me feel I belong. I have much to be thankful for and I am extremely lucky to live the life I do... and that, for now, is enough.