Backwards Step

I haven't written for a while... which I'm taking as a good thing. I only feel the need to write when I'm feeling compromised by my emotions.. by which I mean sad. That's not to say I have felt unsad.. I continue with my grief as always. I cry as soon as I wake up most mornings and think about Oli constantly, but I've kept myself busy and life has brought friends and laughter which always lightens the load. Today, however, I feel as if I've taken a massive step backwards. I keep on making mistakes at work and I've lost confidence to do the most menial of tasks..usually I would tell Oli all about them and he would tell me that it's OK and tell me not to worry about it and give me a hug and let me know he's on my side. Living life with no one on your team is much harder than I thought it would be. I've lost so much confidence without him here. I really don't want to be here without him.. the world seems huge and threatening and lonely.. so, so lonely. I feel like not only have I lost Oli but I've lost so much of myself as well. My world has shrunk and the only place I feel safe is in my house, on my own with my dog. Everything else is a huge effort. I worry all the time about what people think of me and when Oli was here, that was so much more manageable because I knew that he loved me.. he was always in my corner, cheering me on.

I'm sure if I was lying on a psychiatrists couch right now they would interject that this deep seated worry about whether people like me or not is down to being bullied at school and an absolute need for approval and validation. That was built in with Oli. Without him I really struggle and spend all of my time worrying about what other people think. In my more rational moments I know that this is futile for two reasons... Firstly, I will never know what other people truly think of me.. and secondly, it is totally unreasonable to think that everyone will like me all of the time.. I'm bound for some people to just find me annoying or whiney or too quiet or too loud or too ... anything really. That is just life. But Oli was always a buffer to that and to know you are truly loved by someone.. that there is someone who thinks you are actually pretty fantastic is such a beautiful, lovely thing that makes everything that life throws at you much, much easier to deflect and deal with. Of course, I have people who love me and that's so wonderful.. but I don't have anyone who loves me more than anyone else on the planet.. I am no one's number one priority and that's what I had with Oli.

Reading this back makes me realise how lucky I was but also how sorry for myself I'm feeling. I can't stop crying today.. I feel so alone.