Breathing

It’s funny how life continues to throw you curve balls, even when you think it’s already dealt its most deadly blow.   But it does.   I haven’t written much on the blog over the last few weeks and that’s mainly because I’ve been feeling…. well…. OK.   And that in itself feels really fucking weird.   I still miss Oli with every ounce of my being but 7 times out of 10 it doesn’t bring me to tears or crush me so I am a crumpled heap on the floor, instead it just makes me ache a little inside.   I have whole days, sometimes consecutively, where I haven’t cried at all.   I’ve had some really happy times where I’ve laughed and times when I have giggled uncontrollably (the worst one in the middle of a folk rendition in Veryan Sports and Social Club where I, and my partner in crime, Sam, really shouldn’t have been giggling at all).    I have felt like I can breathe again and where I’ve really believed, like REALLY believed, that everything is going to be OK.    The sun coming out has helped massively and to feel its warmth and the hope of Spring has been wonderful.   Stupidly, I was worried that the change of the seasons and the onset of warmer weather might make me miss Oli more, as the last time it was like this, he was here and well, but it hasn’t.   It’s made me thankful of the time we had and reminiscent of Springs and Summers of the past where we had fun.  

Partners in crime... Sam and David

I’m feeling really positive for the future and am looking forward to the Summer stretched out ahead of me.    I am, however, slightly nervous about my birthday which is coming up next month.   I will turn 56… an age that Oli never got to live and for that I feel a little guilty.   Guilt.   There it fucking goes again.    It was an ongoing joke with Oli and I that he was 3 months older than me.   From January to April, every year, I would joke that he was an old man and I was younger than him… every year... I really must get a fresh repertoire of jokes… poor Ol!   So, I think this, my first birthday without him is going to be a toughy.. not least because I LOVE birthdays and make a big thing of them and in turn, make everyone around me (i.e. Oli) make a big thing of them too and this year there is going to be no one around me to make a fuss… right old Princess, eh?!!    But, I’ll put on my Big Girl Pants and ride on through the day.    It will do me the world of good.

I’m sitting in Costa writing this, whilst my car is in for an MOT.   On the next table is a couple who are obviously pregnant with their first child.   He is being really sweet and rubbing her tummy.    Another couple have turned up with a new born on the table next to them and he keeps glancing over at the baby.   I’ve just caught his eye and asked whether it’s their first and it is.. it’s also due tomorrow (she’s being induced!) and he’s really nervous (the women seems to be taking it all in her stride!).   It’s so lovely to watch.   I feel a stab of envy that they have so much excitement and joy to look forward to but it feels me with joy too.    Love watching the good side of humanity.    It’s also nice to be writing about joy and not grief.

Stupidly, I was getting really stressed out about getting my car MOT’d..  as a really bad feminist, it was always Oli that did anything car related and he had a thing about number plates meaning something.   As a result, the number plate on my Mini is spaced illegally.. it should read LM10 MPM but reads LM1 (as in Lara Madge 1) OMPM (Oliver Michael Palmer Madge).   This means it would fail an MOT if I took it anywhere and I have been so stressed about how I was going to change it.    Luckily for me, David (husband of partner in crime, Sam) came to the rescue and changed the number plates over to legally spaced ones and the world, once again, has been restored to its normal axis… AND the car passed its MOT.. so all is fine!

HAPPY DAYS!!

I hope you have noticed that that is now, not one, but two happier posts… I know grief comes in waves but I’m going to ride on the high of joy and breathing for a little while longer, if you don’t mind.