Later that day...

So.. all in all, it's been a good day. I've been strong and positive.. but there is a bit of a rub.

I love this blog and it makes me feel so much better once I've put the contents of my brain on this site but by doing so, I put my life and feelings online.. that makes it sound really dramatic and it is totally not so.. I put my life online to those who want to read it... and there's not that many of you, which lowers the exposure massively! There is a handful of people who read this and they are all friends of mine, which makes it a secure space for me and, at the same time, lets everyone know what's going on. As a result, I had a few messages this morning from you lot wishing me well and wishing Oli a 'Happy Birthday'. Between the messages is when I was strong and positive. It's when the messages came that I fell apart. Oli's best mate in Oz nearly floored me.. but I only felt this way because all of these messages came with love and support.

It's a little like us all asking each other how we are. We all answer immediately with 'Fine, thanks. How about you?' We ask without really wanting to know the answer and answer without really confronting the question... but when someone really does ask.. when they stop, look you in the eye and really ask 'how are you?' and when you know they don't want the stock answer, they want the real thing.. that's when you realise how thin your veneer is. You suddenly are visible to someone.. they see you and they want to know how you are doing... really. It's a vulnerable place and one which we are not used to. We carry on our lives, marching through... shoulders back, chin up... and it's not until a little love from an unexpected place or support from across the world comes along that you allow yourself to crack just a little... only for 5 minutes or so though, we are British after all.

After all the lovely messages, I got dressed and adorned myself with all things 'Oli'. I put on his favourite T-Shirt (more about that later), I've got his wedding ring on my necklace chain, a little diving man charm on a chain which Oli wore until we got together* (see bottom of post if you're interested...not compulsory!), a little pheasant broach my sister got me for Christmas and Oli's infinity bracelet.. so I've got everything Oli on.. I'm charmed up... couldn't be more charming if I tried!

I've spent the day with friends who have all been amazing. Had lunch with one of my closest friends and then stomped with my rowing friends which ended at the pub.. it's been lovely and I am so lucky to have made such great connections here. There is a comradery here that I would never have thought possible, in such a short space of time, that has grown and continues to grow. I am so lucky to have found myself in a place that I love with people who are so welcoming and supportive.

The pub visit came after the stomp and caused me to take my jumper off exposing Oli's favourite T-Shirt... it's a T shirt of Oli's namesake, who, apparently Oli was named after. Oliver Reed. The T shirt claimed a few comments this evening, mostly from men of a certain age... all, who I suspect, would have liked the title 'King of the Hellraisers!' or, who have been Hellraisers themselves!

The back of the T shirt reads 'King of the Hellraisers - May 1999'

I've also felt, in a funny kind of way, that it's been my birthday! I've had some lovely cards, flowers and presents that have come through the post. They've all been from family which has been so kind.

So, it's been a good day... and not as bad as I anticipated.. But today has not just been Oli's birthday... it also marks a three full months since Oli died. In reality, that's a really short time but it feels like an absolute eternity, it feels like he's been gone forever. I feel like some days I have to really struggle to remember what life was like before he died and how can that be? I spent 24 years with him and I can only remember the last 18 months when he was really sick and sometimes even struggle to remember that and it was only 3 months ago. Why is time doing that to me? Why can't I remember all the years... all the fun years...all the happy years? Why do I have to look at photos to remind me of those times? It sucks.

But another 'first' is done. 14th January will always be celebrated as Oli's birthday for as long as I'm alive. It's a first, but not the last.

Happy birthday, my angel. I love you. x

*Oli used to be a diving instructor and loved diving. When we got together he wore a necklace with a diver as a charm. Soon after we got together he took it off and never wore it again. I asked him why. He told me that he wore it to look after him when he was on his own but now he had me, he didn't need the diver to look after him any more. Since he died, I've worn it everyday to look after me now he's gone.