Step Change
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
I woke up to a real feeling of change this morning. It's September 1st and the first working day after the August Bank Holiday... or Regatta weekend as it's known here. The weekend was amazing with a real party atmosphere and a pulling together to make everything work. And whilst the weather did everything in its power to dampen the event, it failed in every aspect except cancelling the sailing. For the first time, I really felt part of the community and loved every minute of it. But this morning, there is an autumnal feel to the air and whilst the sun has returned, the visitors all seem to have left overnight. The village seems quiet and you can almost hear it breathing a sigh of relief after a crowded, noisy and sweaty summer.
We are also entering the anniversary of Oli's final weeks on earth. We had to leave our beloved home in Cornwall on September 5th last year, as Oli was not feeling well and we had to get him to A&E in Winchester to get him back into the hospital system. I think we both knew, at that stage, that there was a strong possibility that he would never return home but neither of us dared to say it out loud. As I look back now, I realise just how brave Oli was. Throughout his entire illness he never complained and barely spoke about how scared he was for the future. He kept everything hidden from me as best he could so that I wouldn't worry... but of course, I did worry. I was petrified, as he must have been. I couldn't imagine a life without him. I couldn't fathom how we got here and I was unsure how I would be able to be a functioning adult without him.. how would I live without his love and guidance? How would I survive without his touch, his gentleness and his strong arms around me? How could I live without him? It seemed impossible and surreal. It was such a fucking weird, scary and strange time. He rarely had a warmth to his smile by this stage... it was more a grimace and as I look back on photos I can clearly see the pain behind his eyes. He must have been in so much pain and yet he hid it all from me.. for me. Sometimes, I feel guilty about that. About the fact that he felt he had to do that for me. But I don't think he felt he had to do it, I think he wanted to do that for me because that was the selfless man that he was. Christ, I was so lucky to have him.
I have no doubt that the next few weeks are going to be really bloody tricky. Probably harder than his death anniversary as I remember the weeks leading up to it. My body reminds me with shots of pain and longing.. the body keeps score. I want to cling to the fact that he was still here this time last year. As if, moving past that means I'm moving away from him. I have to remind myself that he will always be with me, no matter how many years pass but I'm scared that moving past the 14th October will mean I will loose more of him and I can't... I can't loose any more of him.. by heart breaks over and over again, every single day. I've lost him; our future; a massive chunk of myself and my self worth.. I don't know if I can take anymore. And all these thoughts go round and round in my head whilst I have to carry on living. I have to carry on being 'normal', holding down my job, socialising, cleaning the house, sorting out the insurance, taking the bins out, answering the telephone.. sounds ridiculous as these are not hard things to do and yet sometimes they just feel impossible.
I don't have a photo of Oli from exactly a year ago... only from two years ago when we were just getting used to his illness and what that actually meant for us. It was a time when the floor was taken from underneath us but we could still, just about, reach out and touch our past when it was free of cancer. That past seems so far away now. Totally out of reach. But a new past is forming. The future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened and can be shaped in so many different ways depending on how you react to the present, so what's ahead of us is our past.. being shaped by what we do now. If what I have just typed is to be true, I choose to be happy now because that will give me a happy past in time to come. I choose to live to the best of my ability in happiness, grace and love. By realising that the future doesn't exist means that I don't have to worry about what it holds. I don't have to keep searching for what happens next. I've just got to live in the present as that's all I've got left. Deep, eh? I know!! I didn't have myself pegged as a thinker, as I'm sure you didn't either! Who knew??!!!
As a very good friend said a few weeks ago.. 'I refuse to live an unhappy life. I choose to be happy.'
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