Choose Life (Happy New Year)

In another life I think I would have made quite a good rock star. If I had, the title of this blog would have been track number eight on my second album. (Don't ask... I have no idea why!). Oli and I have lovely old school friends who we, for a period, went away with a lot. Doug did the eulogy at Oli's memorial and it was fabulous. Beautiful and funny... just like the big man himself (Oli, not Doug.. he's shorter). Anyway, Doug is very creative and takes brilliant photos and we have two of them blown up into poster size and framed in the house. One we refer to as Album Cover No. 1 and the other is our second Album Cover.... they are wonderful but for the fact that Doug, being the photo taker, is never in them.... I digress ... this is not what this post was to be about!

Second Album Cover.. 'Knock First'

Since I wrote my last blog post I've been doing quite a lot of decorating in the house which I have to say, is mind numbingly boring, let me tell you... but it does get you thinking. And there is one word from the last post that keeps on popping up in my head and that is 'choose'... 'choice'... I have a choice... and it's really made me stop and think, in that I have a choice here... I can wallow in my own self pity; I can feel like I don't deserve this and the world has not been fair; I can be sad and down about everything... or I can choose to be happy... To not let this define me, to not let my sadness overwhelm me. I realise I will still get sad days and there will be days when I'm weeping on the kitchen floor and that's fine... I still want those days because they stand for something. They stand for the love that I have and the love that we had and that means a lot... but I don't want to do that every day and I don't want to make that who I am. I am more than that. I'm.... mmmmm..... I don't really know what I am yet, but I'm more than that. So, I choose. I choose to be happy and whilst that won't be possible everyday, I'm hoping that nine times out of ten it will be. Letting go of the guilt, of feeling that I can move away.. not move away... not move on.. no...moving on is shit.... but let go of the guilt of feeling that I have to be stuck in this, in order for it to mean something. That's not real. I don't have to be stuck in this for it to mean something to me.. it will always mean something to me.. it will always be part of me but I choose to carry on. I choose to go on the adventures and I choose to make new friends and I choose to cherish the friends I already have. I choose to laugh and I choose to look for the joy and I choose to dance on the beach (which is really great, by the way.. I've been doing that a few times and it's fabulous, I love it.. I mean people look at me like I'm a loon, but I don't give a toss)

Guilt has been my nemesis.. not grief... grief I can carry. Grief will come with me and will always be there and that's fine .. but it's the guilt that absolutely stops me dead in my tracks. So, by shedding the guilt I am able to be more positive and to look forward to life and to really enjoy things and that's lovely. Don't get me wrong.. there are still tears.. but they are more gentle now and occasional, rather than the fierce, flesh ripping tears that screams from your lungs and tortures you...it's much more gentle, and that I can live with.

So 2025... you were a shocker. In fact, no. You weren't a shocker, because I knew, right from the start what was lying ahead in 2025. I knew. It was all laid out for me. You weren't a shocker.. you were just bad. Really, really bad. But you did have some glimmers of joy and I am thankful for those. I got to spend those moments of joy with the most amazing man and that's great. Oli was always sad in 2025... he knew what was coming as much as I did and even when he smiled there was sadness behind his eyes but we did have joy.. sad joy, but joy (weird!)

2026 is different. I feel sad that I'm leaving Oli behind in 2025. He will never experience 2026... time is moving on. His birthday is the 14th January and he would have been 56. On the 23rd April, I will be 56 and that's an age he will never be and that's quite hard. But 2026 is exciting as well. I've booked flights to Chicago, I've booked flights to Provence and we are arranging a weekend with Oli's family.. not Oli's family, my family, which is always fun.. and.. did I mention? .... I'm going to the Scillys to row in the World Gig Championships?? (I am an athelete and my body is a temple... mainly been worshipping wine and chocolate recently, but we all have to start somewhere..) 2026 is also the year I have to get a job, which actually, I'm really looking forward to. If you have any interesting vacancies... let me know!!

So there we have it. 2026. I choose all of that .. and lucky me. Lucky, lucky me.

P.S. I started writing this at 8am on New Years Day.. not sure that the alcohol I consumed last night is completely out of my system so this may read a bit funny... sorry!!