Days like these..

It's 8.15am and I am struggling. I had a bad afternoon yesterday which turned into a bad evening and bad night. Even with the greatest positivity I could muster I woke up this morning thinking instantly of death. Death is all I think about. Oli's death. The fact he isn't here, and where the fuck is he?

I knew that there would be days like these and I knew they were coming. To be completely honest, the grief has felt completely manageable up until now. But it doesn't anymore. It overwhelms me, makes me feel physically sick and reduces me to sobs where I seem to be gasping for breath. I cry out loud for him... so much so I'm glad that both neighbours are second homes and not there to hear me... I scream 'OLI!! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU!'... it's pitiful.

I've got a few big decisions to make regarding the build and finances and Oli's absence is like a massive presence that makes those decisions feel so frightening and heightens my sense of loneliness. Not having him here to bounce ideas off or to come up with a cunning alternative plan or to talk about the future with. Oli and I used have 'dream talks' where we would discuss plans for what we wanted to happen in the future. We'd talk as if those dreams were going to come in fruition, even if they were completely wild and unobtainable. I'd love those talks... everything seemed possible as it was Oli and me against the world. There were many a time when we would talk about something and that would be the seed sown to make it all happen. Like the time when we lived in our semi detached house in Hampshire and talked about how great it would be to have a meal where we'd grown or reared everything on the plate... not just a salad or something easy, but a full proper meal. Within a couple of years from that conversation, we'd sold our semi and bought a 20 acre smallholding; were keeping duck, geese and chickens; growing veg and rearing rare breed pigs... with Oli, anything seemed possible. Now, everything seems too much.. out of reach and scary.

I don't want this blog to be a constant bio tribe of my misery.. the world is bad enough without me adding to it. There are some joyous glints every here and there and I must hang on to those but there is no escaping the fact that I'm missing him so badly. I miss his love, his enthusiasm, his 'can do' attitude, his devotion and his unwavering presence.

Him and me against the world.

I'll buck up for the next post... but for now I'm going to have a duvet day.