Exhausted

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm desperately trying to keep my head above water and yet my body is so tired that I keep bobbing under. I feel drained and shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven't admitted this to myself for so long. I've kept telling myself that I'm doing great and that I'm one of life's survivors... and I am... one of life's survivors that is.. but I am not doing great. My survival technique is to fake it until I make it. I have ever been thus through the many varying careers I've had. Aviation; jam making; pig breeder; event planner; shop and cafe manager (I know! It's a stupidly eclectic mix of jobs). I even continuously told my uncle that I was his favourite niece with the sole purpose of it coming true by pure repetition. And here I am again. Telling myself that all is fine.. I'm doing fine but in the quiet moments of reflection, when I allow that chink of vulnerability in, I realise I am far from that.

Mainly, I am tired. I feel drained and alone. The last two years have been a roller-coaster

of a ride and I am left with only the dog remaining as a constant of my day to day life. My previous home; job; marital status; friendship group... all changed. In my more positive moments, I see this as a massive opportunity. A way to reinvent myself and try new things, meet new people, experience different places but in the quieter moments it's absolutely draining... not knowing quite who I am any longer. Not able to get a sure footing on any ground and feeling constantly homesick. I miss Oli with every fibre of my being. He was my rock... the person who held me when life was mean or scary. The person who always had my back and who was home, wherever we were.

Since my last blog post on the 24th January, I have had a string of visitors. First my sister and her daughter, then two friends from school and now my Mum for a few days with Dad following along later today. It's been so lovely to see them all and they are all very dear to me but it is also exhausting. In future, I think I will ensure that there is adequate space between visits to give me time to regroup but also to spend time with my friends here and to engage in the community in which I live. It's hard to do that when you have friends to stay. On the other hand, I want this house to be filled with love and laughter and that's hard to do alone but I need to find a good balance.

In short, I'm exhausted. Exhausted from the move from Hampshire to here; exhausted by my husbands cancer diagnosis; exhausted from eighteen months of pain and grief and cancer treatment; exhausted from watching the love of my life die in front of my eyes; exhausted from the ensuing grief and for navigating everyone else's grief; exhausted from making new friends; exhausted from stepping out of my comfort zone on a fairly regular basis; exhausted from being the only one who ever takes the dog for a walk, empty the bins, stack the wood pile, clean the bathrooms (although to be fair, I have always been the only one to do that!); exhausted... just fucking exhausted.

Christ, I feel like a moaning minnie. I have pieces of my life that are complete joy which to be balanced, I feel I should mention. Rowing.. there's a lot to be thankful for there. The crew that I row with are funny, intelligent, kind, strong women (and a very lovely man who has the hard job of keeping us all in check) and I love them. They pick me up when I'm down and bring a joy to life in everything they do. They swear like troopers but have hearts as big as a whale. We all have completely different personalities that in another setting might not bond but in this one, moulds beautifully. We all come with our own stories which bring a diversity that gives us strength. I would love to write about our rowing journey as a group of middle aged women, some of whom (cough, cough) were out of shape, unfit and with little rowing experience and how we are growing into a group of strong rowers, taking on the World Championships and, so it now seems, the European Championships too! I see it as a film crossed between Eddie the Eagle Edwards and Fishermen's Friends.. I try to think who would play who in the film.. I'll think about that a bit more and maybe leave that as material for another post.

And this, dear reader, is why I write. I started this post in tears and end it with a smile on my face. Life is bloody complicated and I have no idea what I am doing... sometimes, I don't even know which way is up. But I'm here and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me. Thanks for listening. It means a lot. x