Happy Birthday!

On this day, 24 years ago, I arrived at Heathrow Terminal 3 leaving behind a life in South Africa. I phoned Oli from a pay phone in the Terminal and told him that I had landed safely and that our new life together could finally begin.

On this day, 17 years ago, Oli and I left our first marital home in Goodworth Clatford, Hampshire in a hired Luton Van and our Audi Estate to start our new adventure in a derelict old mill on a 20 acre smallholding in Gloucestershire. Oli drove the Luton Van with my Dad carrying all of our furniture and belongings and I followed along behind in the Estate with 7 Indian Runner Ducks, 6 chickens and two labradors... God, that car stank!!

But on this day, every year, for the last 24 years Oli and I have eaten cake, drunk fizz and beer, eaten lovely food, laughed and opened presents. Today is Oli's birthday.

I have been dreading this day for three full months. I don't know why, but I find it a little comforting that Oli died on the 14th October and his birthday is the 14th January, there is a neatness to it. I have, I think, worked myself up into a bit of a fuzz about today. The anxiety has been building since the New Year and I feel I may have now worked myself up into making the day more emotional that it will actually be. Since the weekend I have been crying at the thought of today, but now I'm here (well only just, it's 6am so the day lies ahead), I'm hoping it will not be as tough as my brain fears... a bit like a run really (bear with me on this analogy.. it's a little left field), but I always dreaded going running. I used to go with two girlfriends, three times a week and we'd meet at 7am unless it was absolutely pouring down with rain. I'd go to bed the night before dreading the thought and wake up praying for torrential rain, but actually once I was there and shuffling along the tarmac, putting the world to rights with dogs at our heals, I actually quite liked it and felt euphoric when I got home. I'm not suggesting that I will feel euphoric once today has passed, but I'm hoping that after all the dread for the day and the lead up of tears, that I can spend at least some of the day enjoying the memories of my gorgeous boy and feeling glad for the love we had.

As I said...it's 6am and the day is still so, so young. Let's see what the day unfolds and I'll report back in another post this evening.... call it an experiment in grief, if you will.. can I turn my mindset around to making this a good day or will it be spent with mascara running down my face.... time will tell!!

Happy Birthday, my angel. xx (Christ Alive! Just typing that bought tears to my eyes.. )