Happy Christmas!!

And I really mean it! Not as a sarcastic thing, or cynical thing or as a mean thing because I don't feel it and am jealous you do... I do feel it. Happy Christmas!

Before today, all I wanted for Christmas Day was to be left alone. I longed for Mary and I holed up in the bungalow in Portscatho with curtains drawn eating junk food and binging on ridiculous RomCom Christmas films in our pyjamas (not Mary.. she doesn't wear pyjamas - she's spoilt but not to that extent). But to do that would have been selfish... even me, in my selfish state can see how my family would have worried about me being alone and it would have encroached on their Christmas. I had to be seen and to be with family in order to not make them, or any of my friends worry. So here I am in Hampshire writing this in front of a roaring log fire having consumed my body weight in champagne, beef, roasted veg, puddings and wine, watching my parents play bridge on their laptops and feeling a warm glow take hold.

The day, actually, hasn't been the dire pit of misery that I thought it would be. I woke up with an absolute determination NOT to cry if I could possibly help it. That was at 7am. At 7.15 I found an uncontrollable urge to call Oli's mobile (which I had charged and turned on in anticipation) to leave him a voicemail telling him I loved him and missed him... determination tested and found faulty. However, I was alone so put that down to a trial run and had another determination NOT to cry in front of other people (more realistic to be fair).

My Dad knocked on my door telling me that Father Christmas had been and that he had made tea for Mum and me. There are mixed feelings of having a Christmas stocking from 'Father Christmas' at the age of 55. Oli and I did stockings for each other every year and this year my parents knew that this ritual would leave such a big hole that they reverted back to their former role of stocking provider, not done since 1987. I sat at the end of my parents bed, Mary fully ensconced in the middle of Mum and Dad and I opened my stocking with them.... I felt 10 again. Loved and cherished and spoilt but also a bit sad that this is where my life had taken me.

Church was a step too far this year. Firstly, I don't feel I really have anything to say to God right now. I'm still quite cross with him but also, the service is in the church where Oli and I got married and where, less than three months ago, we had his memorial service. I just wouldn't have been able to hold it together and nobody wants a sobbing middle aged woman in their pew on Christmas morning. Instead, I stayed at Mum and Dads, whilst they went off, laid the table and prepared some nibbles and bits and pieces. It was in the laying of the table that I found the joy. Getting out the fancy tablecloth and the crystal cut glasses, making a real effort to make sure everything was lovely and that we'd made an effort.... because that's it, isn't it? I have to, at some stage, make the effort. Make the effort to celebrate the life I've had and the life to come (whatever that maybe). I am truly blessed with the most amazing family and friends and all of you who have supported me over the last few months and those who have been there for the last 18 months. Life is to be celebrated. I can't do that everyday, but when I can, I will and hopefully the days I can't will be overtaken by the days I do.

Determination got tested at many points throughout the day. A call from my nephew and my sister and brother in law in the morning; a call I made to my other brother in law in Spain and a present from my sister which was very sentimental. But... I think, all in all, I held it together quite well, proving once again that determination and alcohol make a winning combination.

I am lucky. I have had the most amazing relationship with one of the kindest men who walked the earth. I have a family that loves me and friends who are willing to prop me up when I'm too weak to walk. In return, I choose love, life and silliness. I choose to occasionally lock myself away and sob so that I can bounce back and enjoy the lighter times. I choose to be positive and proactive and make 2026 a year for making Oli proud of me. Stepping out of my comfort zone, trying to be smart (I said trying...) and living life as much to the full as I can.

There will be dark days. I know. But there will be bright days as well....