Highs and Lows

Last week was a week of glorious highs and pain crushing lows. Monday and Tuesday were probably my worst days to date, as my previous post will testify but Wednesday was better. I was invited to a lovely Hen Do (do not picture a bunch of twenty to thirty somethings in tutus and a tiara waving plastic willies around - this was sophisticated!) where I met some new people; had a fab meal at a local hotel and watched Mama Mia in a private cinema where everyone got up and danced... I have to say, I chair danced rather than got up on my feet, which is quite unlike me but I didn't feel I knew anyone well enough to go balls out on my Abba moves. However, it was nice to be out and to get dressed up was even better. It was good for my soul and made me realise that there will be a life for me in the future.

Thursday was equally good. I felt positive and went rowing... more specifically I went 'training'.. I know, right?? That sounds as if its, like, proper rowing... well, it is.. I'll tell you why (and this is something to write home about!)

Shortly after Oli died, a friend of mine who is an avid rower and a member of Roseland Gig Club (competitive club based in St Mawes) came round to see me to ask if I'd be interested in joining a crew to compete in the World Gig Championships on the Scilly Isles in May. Let's just say that again... I, me, Lara Madge has been asked to join a team to compete at the WORLD GIG CHAMPIONSHIPS IN SCILLY!!!!!! YEAH!!!

My response was immediate. I knew straight away this is exactly what I need. I know myself only too well to know that if I was not careful I would spend the next year or so looking for Oli at the bottom of a wine bottle and surviving on Kettle Chips (Balsamic Vinegar and Sea Salt flavour). To have something to focus on that will increase my fitness, improve my skills in a hobby that I love and, most importantly for me, to be part of team of fab women is an absolute no brainer... plus there's a massive piss up after the races!

Going to the Isles of Scilly to compete is such a wonderful opportunity and I'm absolutely stoked to be part of team. Even if it is the Super Vets! I'm not even in the age group for a Veteran anymore... I'm a bloody Super Vet! It means the whole crew are between 50 and 60 years old.. proper sisterhood! I will obviously catalogue the highs and lows of training as we go along!

Friday was a delicious day. The weather was amazing, starting with the most beautiful sunrise over the sea which I can see as soon as I open my eyes from my bed.

View from my bedroom

We then arranged for a group of us to row the Gerrans Bay gig round from Portscatho, past St Mawes and onto Percuil for it's winter home. The row took around one and a half hours and was just the most beautiful. The sea was flat calm and the sky a true blue... we saw seals and kept our eyes out for dolphins, but no luck. I was hoping Oli was going to send me a sign via dolphins but I don't think he's that practiced at signs yet as I don't get that many! Give him time and I'm sure he will.. I told him when he was alive that he had to haunt me, so I really hope he keeps up his end of the bargain (my end was to talk to him incessantly everyday, which I am keeping up very well).

Yes.. that's me in the bobble hat and sunglasses... not the most attractive look, I grant you.

Met by the gannets at St Anthonys Head

It was such an amazing row.. look at that!!

Saturday had me down for a 'Selectors Row' at Roseland to see if I'd be any good for the Women's B Team as well as being part of the Super Vets crew for Scillies. To be honest, it's not something that I absolutely feel the need to be a part of. It's the Super Vets that I'm here for and the B Team would be only if they really needed me. However, that doesn't take away the nerves when you are suddenly asked to join a row so the Selectors can see if they want you or not! Jesus Christ! Honestly... I'm just an ordinary, invisible, middle aged woman, who two years ago had only been to Cornwall once!! And certainly never sat in a row boat! Fortunately, the weather was absolutely shite on Saturday morning so the row was postponed. I say fortunately, but actually it's unfortunately as now I have to sit in the stew of my own anxiety until they reschedule.

Saturday evening was Karaoke night! A group of us all met at the pub and then we wondered over to the Harbour Club with most of us swearing that we weren't actually going to sing!! I mean, how undignified would that be! I, and I cannot stress this enough, CANNOT sing! My plan was to sit to the side, quietly and encourage everyone else to sing their hearts out but not actually participate myself.. I didn't feel as if I knew everyone well enough... a bit like standing up to dance at the Hen Night on Wednesday. So, no. No singing, no making a fool out myself, no drawing attention to myself. Just quietly enjoy the evening getting to know everyone a bit more.

Literally... the first song that the group was down for, I was up! Singing and dancing like a mad woman. And here's the thing. It's funny because you feel guilty for the times that you are joyous and I watched myself from afar that night, miming to Bohemian Rhapsody like an absolute wanker (Megan - you know what I'm talking about).. and what must people think? Do they think I don't care? Or I'm not grieving? But I don't want to be the sad person and I don't want that to define me... I don't want people to worry about being around me because they think I might cry. So there's that going on and there's also the 'what would Oli want me to do?' And then there's the very real possibility that I might burst out crying. Some guy sang a Rowan Keating song and it made me almost burst into a flood of tears right then because that was a song I thought about when I was missing Oli so much back in the early days of our relationship.

It's such a mix of emotions. What you portray on the outside is so different to what you are feeling on the inside. Just because you're having fun, and you are having fun, absolutely having fun and really enjoying the people you're with, I worry that people will think I'm heartless or not grieving. The community here is so great and I've met a bunch of girls who are just outstanding in every single way, so I feel so lucky, but it's hard to get that balance... to find that balance.

But then why should I find the balance? I know how I feel. I know how much I loved Oli... love Oli, and miss him every single moment of every single day and that's enough. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. If I choose to let my hair down, or to celebrate or to laugh, that's not because I'm not loving him, it's because I do love him that I do that. It's because he's given me the ability to do that and that's the important thing.

Anyway... let's see what this week brings.