I am lost

It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go back... and that's all I want to do. Go back. Go back to life before cancer. Go back to hearing him laugh and when life was carefree and fun. To feel his arms around me, protecting me from harm. Him and me against the world... always. I can't take the world on on my own.. it's too much.

Now I'm not advertising that fact that I'm writing this on social media, I feel more free to be open about my misery. I hadn't realised how much I was putting a brave face on things because I knew friends would read it and be worried. Now, I feel I can be more honest. Grief is a wretched emotion. It sucks all life out of you and leaves you withered and deflated on the floor. It stretches on in front of you, letting in no light. It is relentless and cruel.

For some, unfathomable reason, the grief and loss I feel now is worse than it's ever been before. Just as you think you can't take anymore a new level of hell descends and. pins you down. I don't know what to do. The one person who I could turn to, who would make me feel safe and loved and who could take away this black hole of grief has disappeared without a trace. There is no sign of him and I need to find him again. I am so fucking lost.