January.... still.

I'm on the eve of another first. Tomorrow, 24th January, will be Oli and my wedding anniversary. 22 years... if you can count the last three months. And I'm counting them. I have felt no less of being Oli's wife these last few months than in the 21 years and 9 months before that, so I will be 'celebrating' the fact that I, at least, have been married for 22 years.

I miss him. I think of him constantly. He is never out of my head - from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, he is there. I cry often... I have tears rolling down my cheeks right now. I cry on dog walks, doing the washing up, watching telly.. anywhere really. I rarely loose it in public but it's not a given that I won't and I am trying desperately not to be the sad person. Friends tell me not to worry about that and just be how I feel, but I do worry about that and Oli was always really good and conscious about not letting people know if anything was wrong, so I'm trying to take a leaf out of his book and be strong.

I'm finding widowhood a tricky challenge. I'm not yet sure how I am to behave. As I mentioned in my last post, I am, generally, happy. I have a great life down here in Cornwall and thanks, in part, to the builders, but in the main to the friends I have made, I rarely feel lonely. But I'm not sure who I am projecting to the outside world. When life was 'normal', I knew who I was; what I stood for; what made me laugh; who made me happy and who didn't but now everything has shifted. A friend made a comment the other day about me wearing red lipstick and I'm not exactly sure what she meant...it might have been a compliment but my self doubt immediately kicked in with lots of internal questions.. as a widow should I not be wearing lipstick? Am I sending the wrong signals wearing lipstick? Should I not wear any make up at all? (I do that sometimes, but honestly, I look horrendous). I just don't know anything anymore and my confidence has gone to shit... as if I need more emotion in my life on top of grief.. I now have insecurity, too. And yes, just in case you're wondering, it is possible to be generally happy and still be up to your neck in grief. Grief is like the canvas on which all other emotions are woven into... it's the foundation and back drop of every part of me.

I used to love January. For us it was a fun month. Oli's birthday; our wedding anniversary. We would always go away for our anniversary. When we were first married, it would be to places in the UK like Northumberland or the Pennines or Wales and in the more recent years we'd bugger off somewhere hot like the Maldives or Barbados. We'd have such a great time. Now, I'm with the rest of the world where it feels like January goes on forever and I'm just willing it to end.

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I think it may be a toughy.