Reasons to be cheerful... 1, 2, 3.

I'm writing this as a bit of an experiment. I had a bad day yesterday. My parents left to go home mid morning and instead of bustling around the house sorting things out, doing a bit of decorating or taking the dog for a walk, I drew the curtains at 10.45am, got a blanket and lay on the sofa ALL DAY watching shite Rom Coms. I ate two bags of sweets; a chicken mayo sandwich and some cold roast potatoes; drank 4 mugs of tea and cried five times.. at approximately 3.30 my Mum called to say they had got home safely and she was out taking her dog for walk and asked whether I had been out yet with Mary... I lied and said I had. After the call I felt so guilty that I'd lied I did actually go and take Mary out for a walk. I then messaged my friend Steph and excused myself out of a circuit training session... I just didn't have it in me and curled back onto the sofa. I think we can safely say that yesterday was another low point.

Today is a new day and, you'll be pleased to know, I have got up, showered, dressed, tided the kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed and am now writing this. Already, I have done 1000% more than yesterday and it's only 11 o'clock. I still feel pretty wretched and cried as soon as I opened my eyes, but am determined to get out of this mindset today. I have a friend coming over for a walk and pub lunch later which will definitely help but I think I need to do more. If you doom scroll through Instagram as much as I do, you will have no doubt come across a post about 'gratitude' at some point. This obviously depends on your personal algorithms but mine is littered with grief posts, food recipes, spirit mediums, funny dog clips, menopause supplement ads, angry people on aeroplanes (?) and guidance on how to show more gratitude. I'm not sure I like the word 'gratitude', to me it implies that I am not deserving of these things... I prefer to think of it as appreciating things that make me cheerful. So here goes:

Top of the list has to be my family and friends. I have an amazing support network of people who are there to catch me. My family and those few close friends who have been there throughout the entire journey have carried my grief and Oli's sadness as well as their own and continue to prop me up. The last few months have brought some amazing friends back into my life who got lost along the way and I am very 'grateful' to have them back. I know I will have some good times with them in the future. And then there's the new friends who knew Oli only briefly but who are showing me that there is a way forward and there is a place for me here in Cornwall.

Next comes Mary. Oh my! She is my constant companion and cheers me up no end when I'm not feeling my best. She dances with me on the beach and curls up with me on the sofa. She matches her mood to mine and life would be so much harder without her.

Music. I love listening, dancing and singing to music. I do the last two disastrously. Honestly, I used to think I was a bit of a groover but now I have two absolute left feet and I look like I'm having some kind of seizure when I dance but it really does make me cheerful and as for singing, well, I could never do that but it has never stopped me.

Voicemails. I kept about 10 voicemails from Oli which I've saved on my phone, that I can listen to. They are mainly from when he was on his way home from work, letting me know what time he was going to be home.. really mundane things but he always started with an 'Hello, Babs!' and finished with an 'I miss you and I love you lots'. To hear his voice is one of the most comforting things. I also use voice notes as a way of remembering thoughts to write about later... this can be hilarious as it's sometimes done when I've had a glass of wine or two... I know this will come as no great shock to you, but my god I can talk utter bollocks! Ranting on about the Universe, mouldy bread or how middle aged women become invisible (all of which have raised some valid points but in the cold light of day is not necessarily worthy of a voice note). But I do like listening back to them all. I have them going back to 2014... it's like looking back at a photo album in audio form.

Anyway... they are all reasons to be cheerful and we only have a few more sodden, muddy weeks to wade through before Spring is here. It's been a long winter and I cannot wait to slap on the fake tan and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin... another reason to be cheerful. Let's just push on through.