Signs

I know this is going to sound a bit weird and there's a fear that I'm going to come across a bit 'woo woo' but I do feel I've had signs from Oli. Whether this is from pure desperation or simply trying to put two and two together and coming up with nine hundred and forty six, I don't know. All I can tell you is that yes, they probably could be explained through complete rationality, but they are unusual and timed at moments when I needed them most and, most importantly, make me feel like I'm connecting with Oli which makes me feel better - so even if it is all in my head, I'll take it.

The first one happened shortly after Oli had died. I had arranged to meet Oli's family for the night so we could all get together for the first time since he passed. We decided to book into a local hotel and have a few drinks and supper. It was a lovely, albeit sad, evening but really good for us to get together before the funeral and just be there for each other. Oli is the youngest of five and his relationship with his siblings is beautiful. They are a really fun, gorgeous bunch and over the years we've had some amazing weekends away with them filled with love and laughter, fuelled with booze! Really good times. I thought it really important to make sure we could be there for each other in the days after he died.

Family Weekend back in 2019

Anyway... it was a good evening and after lots of reminiscing we all went to our rooms for the night. Mary, our dog, was with me and I had a nice room. Big bed on one side of the room and a desk with a lamp on the other. I got myself into bed and turned all the lights off. I lay there in the pitch black for about a minute when the lamp, on the desk on the other side of the room, suddenly switched itself on. I went over to check whether there was a dodgy switch or loose wiring but it all seemed fine. I didn't turn it off, just left it. I climbed back into bed and, after a couple of minutes, it switched itself off. Five minutes later, it did the exact same thing. Now... I'm no electrician and there probably was a dodgy switch or wire but I took it as Oli sending me a little message - just to let me know that he was with me and loved me. Unfortunately, he then proceeded to tell me that he was with me and loved me a few times throughout the night, which was a little annoying and took magic out of it a bit but I still want to believe it was him.

The other night, however, was lovely. It was on Tuesday. Seven weeks to the day that Oli died. I lit the fire after the builders had left and switched on all the lamps in the sitting room. I lit a couple of candles and I was going to read The Madness of Grief by The Reverend Richard Coles which is a very beautiful, heartfelt story of his grief that he went through when is partner, David died. I'm finding the book really useful. It was sent to me by a very old friend and I'm devouring it.

As I went to draw the curtains I noticed that there was a beautiful moon...not quite full, but as near as damn it. It was very bright in the sky and the moon was reflecting off the sea. I thought just how beautiful it was. I felt Oli in that moment.... you know, in that whole universe thing that I was talking about in the last post. So, I decided to turn off all the lights, close the door and leave that curtain open so that I just had the light from the woodburner and a couple of the candles lit. I put some music on and chose an Indie Mix from Spotify, a bog standard mix of songs which play randomly, and just sat and looked and listened.

By this time, it was around five thirty. Now, Oli died around five thirty nine to around five forty five, somewhere around there. I'm cross at myself for not noting the exact time as it now seems really important to me but on the actual day I had other things on my mind. So I sat, listening to this music, watching the moon and the sea. The song that was playing finished and instead of the next song automatically starting, it didn't. I picked up my phone and had a look at it. The song that was due to start was Kate Nash and it was a song called 'The Nicest Little Thing' ..or something like that.. can't quite remember. I pressed play and it just wouldn't play so instead I pressed the fast forward button on to the next song and it started playing immediately. The song was 'Lucky Man' by The Verve. I looked outside and I just cried, I thought of Oli and I just cried and maybe, it was his way of telling me that he thought he was a lucky man when he was alive.... I hope so. By that time, it had turned past five thirty nine. The song played until five forty three, which I think is over the time that he died, seven weeks ago to the day. I looked out at this almost full moon reflecting over this beautiful sea and I could see the silhouette of silvery clouds in the distance and it was so beautiful and I felt in that moment that he was there. I really, really felt it. I can't tell you how or why, but I just did. It was amazing.

Anyway, the end of the song came and, like before, the next song didn't play automatically. I thought, 'Oh. ok.. maybe it wasn't a sign, maybe it's just a glitch on the whole Spotify thing afterall.' The song that was due to play was 'Chocolate' by Snow Patrol, which is a song I really like and often makes me think of Oli but also makes me feel really sad. I pressed play and, again, it didn't work so I pressed fast forward and laughed! The next song was L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. by Noah and the Whale and it played. I think it was Oli saying to me 'Don't sit there and listen to Snow Patrol and get all morose. Life goes on. This is for you. Come on, girl, buck your ideas up. Get on with living.'

After that the songs kept on coming. It didn't glitch again. Only on those two songs. How about that...? And I did look for those dancing dolphins in the moonlight, because that would have been spectacular... but... no luck. That's Oli though... giving you a little bit but not giving you everything you want. Doesn't want to spoil you! Just giving you enough. And that was enough.. it was more than enough.

So I feel as if he's with me. I feel very lucky to know that he's still around and that he's looking after me and that I was loved and that he was loved. Fuck! We had a good relationship. We had the best marriage ever. I'm so lucky.... and I'm not just saying that because he's dead. I said it when he was alive... lots.

I'm lucky.