Spat out...

This is going to seem really weird. I last published a post on this blog in July 2024..16 months ago.... just days before my life changed forever. I am now ready to resume and hope that by documenting my life, thoughts, feelings, fears it will help heal my soul from the inside out. This blog is mainly read by friends of mine so I'm sure you all know what I am talking about but for the one or two of you that don't know me, let me explain.

On the 26th July, 2024 my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer of the colon and our world was instantly blown apart. Stage 4 is bad.... it means the cancer has spread from its original source and in most cases there is no coming back from that. The doctors use expressions like 'life limiting illness' and treatment that will 'prolong life' in a hope that it will make it seem all the more manageable.... it does not.

After 15 months of treatment and managing his illness, my wonderful Oli died on the 14th October, 2025 at 17.43. I was able to be with him and hold his hand as he took his last breath.

He was cremated on 6th November and we had a Thanksgiving Service on 7th November. On the 8th November there was a minutes silence for him before a rugby match at our old school and now, on the 9th November, I feel spat out at the end of the most gruelling 16 months of my life. I feel lost, alone and empty. I feel the grief rip through me leaving nothing left and I feel all of this, knowing that the darkest days are yet to come.

I realise that this is not the best advertisement for joining me on my journey and you really don't have to. I'm writing this for me, in the hope that it will help me get my thoughts in order, give me strength to pick myself up and carry on and forge a life that is bearable without Oli. I also hope that if anyone else has gone through similar experiences that they may read this and not feel alone.

Over the last year and a half, I wrote notes occasionally about how I was feeling and will, over time, add these to the blog. I hope that sometimes this blog will be a celebration of life, not only celebrating Oli's but also championing joy over adversity and realising that whilst my life seems very dark right now, I have some amazing friends and family who are there to help me into the brighter parts of life.

And I have Cornwall.... where Oli wanted us both to be and where we settled for the last year and a half of his life. I am by the sea that he loved and in a community that welcomed us both so well. I have rowing to throw myself into and some really lovely friends who already have stepped up above and beyond what you'd expect.

My life will be very different from the one I thought I would have when I first started this blog and I know it will, at times, be exceptionally hard and dark... but I also know that Oli wanted me to carry on. He told me so when I asked whether I could come with him when he died. He said 'No, you can't. You have too much to give.' So, I'm going to give it a go. I'm going to try and carve out a life he would have been proud of. I'm going to celebrate the joy in the everyday because that's what Oli would have done and I'm going to see all the good there is in the world.... but not today.

Today, I'm going to cover the duvet over my head, cry and pretend the world doesn't exist.

Oliver Michael Palmer Madge 14th January 1970 - 14th October 2025