Twenty two

I stupidly thought, after the success of Oli's birthday, that our wedding anniversary wouldn't be that bad. I thought, naively, that I would sail through it and be happy for the 21 years and nine months of marital bliss (almost all of the time) that we shared, but no. Grief, as I am finding out, is not the consistent entity that I thought it would be. It is fickle and comes and goes as it pleases. It hides around corners, waiting to ambush you just when you least expect it ... or, as in this case, does a double bluff to keep you on your toes. After bullishly stating that I rarely loose it in public in my last post, I have lost it numerous times today already... not a good look and one which I am desperately trying to keep a lid on.

So. Twenty two years ago today, Oliver Madge and I got hitched. It was a small wedding (around 60 people) who gathered in our local church.. the same one where we said goodbye to him a score and a bit later. Unbeknown to me, that day, during the service, Oli, instead of getting up and doing a reading of a poem we had chosen, got up and read out something he had written especially. For me. It went like this.. (apologies to those at Oli's memorial as this is going to be a little repetitive and boring.. feel free to skip to the end).

As we stand before each other, in front of our families, our friends and in the eyes of God.

As I pledge you my faith, my love, my trust and my all, know I do so forever,

wishing there was more time than that.

For you I will pledge eternity, for you I'll spend my life

For today and for always, we will be husband and wife.

On this journey that we are about to begin, we cannot regret the years we have missed.

For they made us stronger, made us whole.

They provided the understanding of love and commitment in which to guide us from this day.

You are the rock on which I build my life.

You are the moon around which my world revolves.

You are the water upon which I survive.

You are the sun that provides the light of my day.

Remember, yesterday we were friends,

Today we are lovers,

But forever, we will be soulmates

This I say, stood before you, our families, our friends and in the eyes of God.

What a romantic. For such a brut of a fella, Oli really was a gentle giant.

Our wedding reception was in the village hall. We had no wedding car, no photographer, no wedding cake.. my mum did my hair.. it was all very simple. We had hired a local guy called Russ Barnes to come and play his guitar and sing some covers for us. We chose him because we'd heard him in a pub a few months before and he was ever so slightly off key which made us giggle so much we had to book him. Our wedding breakfast was bangers and mash and we danced the night away.. it was great.

So Happy Anniversary, my angel. We didn't quite make 22 years but what we did share was beautiful and amazing and I am so thankful to you for everything you gave me. I'm going to the pub tonight with some girlfriends and we will raise a glass to you and, although I will desperately try not to loose my shit, I probably will. Apologies in advance to all those who will bear witness to this.