We Are Family

The following post was written on 13th September, 2024. Oli had been diagnosed for two months and had started Chemotherapy. His life expectancy without treatment was 4-6 months but with treatment could be up to 2 years. I was trying to come to terms with how our lives had changed and what this meant for Oli, but also for me.

Growing up, I always wanted a big family. I was part of a pretty fab team of five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters, but I always dreamt that when I got married we would have loads of children, five or so, and that Sunday lunches would be wild and chaotic but filled with love and laughter. That's the thing I wanted most growing up.. well, that and to be come a ballerina (aged 6), marine biologist (aged 16), successful business woman (aged 17), pilot (aged 19 and up).

It has just hit me like a sledge hammer, that the fact that we were unable to have any children and now Oli having terminal cancer, I actually won't have any family at all. I mean, of course, I will have the original five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters but they all have their own lives and families of their own. I won't have MY OWN family... I will be totally alone. I weep as I type for the loss I suddenly feel. Whilst Oli is alive then he is enough.. he always has been and since we discovered we couldn't have kids, it has never been an issue.. but what happens when he leaves me?

Sundays will become the loneliest day of the week. A loud, lonely 24 hr stretch of silence when everyone gathers with those they love. I know I am wallowing in self pity and that it helps no one, least of all me, to feel this way but I can't help but ask, 'will I ever be happy again? Will sadness just engulf me for the rest of my life... starting now.