Which way is up?

You'd be forgiven for being confused by my recent posts. One minute I'm upbeat and positive, the next in the bowels of despair. Believe me, I don't mean to confuse you and I'm trying to be as honest and transparent about my journey through this as I can. All I can tell you is that I'm just as much confused as you are. I cannot tell you from one day to the next how I'm going to be coping.

This week just gone has been one of the hardest I've ever had to endure. I had no idea that I could feel so low and so alone... and yet, here I am on Friday evening, having just popped down to the pub for a quick drink, I am back at home feeling OK ish. As I'm writing this, even I think I sound a bit wacko... so God knows what you think. Years ago, Oli and I went through IVF to try and have kids. I didn't realise it at the time, but my best friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I went absolutely fucking looney whilst on the IVF drugs. I feel like I'm going a bit insane now. I think that I will look back on this time as being really flippin' weird. Everything is different, and I know I've said this before, but it really is. I don't recognise myself at all. I don't even react to things in the same way as I did before Oli died. For example, pre Oli, I thought I was strong enough to get through any situation. I thought depression (and I apologise in advance for what I am about to say), was something that anyone could get over by dusting themselves down and just 'getting on with it'. I've just had a week where I haven't dusted myself down or got on with it and I don't think I'm even depressed, I'm just ... I don't even know what I am.

The above was written four days ago and it's now Tuesday. I've high tailed it back to my folks house as the builders are ripping out my kitchen and, hopefully, replacing it with a nice, shiny new one. It's good to have the builders back as they came to a halt waiting for some structural engineering calcs. The house feels like it's moving forward again which brings hope and the sense of travelling forward and away from tragedy.

Current state of my kitchen!

I'm using the time in Hampshire to connect with friends I haven't seen for ages and it feels good to reconnect. Whilst this week is infinitely better than last, I still feel sad on occasion but a new feeling has settled in my conscious. It's the feeling of having to let go. The only way I'm going to move forward is to stop living in the past. Oli has gone. That's it. Nothing more to say. He is no longer here however much I long for him to be.. he just isn't and while I keep hanging onto signs or somehow trying to get him to continue to be part of my day to day life, I'm not allowing myself to create a life without him. He will always be with me and always be part of me. I am, to a large extent, the person I am because of him. He shaped me into the woman I am today but it is time to let him go. It's not going to be easy or instantaneous but I'm slowly understanding what I need to do to move ahead. And I have to move ahead because living in the past is sad, lonely and torturous. The future is where it's at. I think for any grieving person, there is a guilt that comes with this... guilt again. I want to move ahead but only with Oli's blessing and with the absolute understanding that given a choice I would always choose him. Oli has, for the last twenty five years, always been my top choice, my number one option, Plan A... I'm now realising that Plan B is now the way.

So there you go! Started this post not knowing which way is up and ending it with Plan B. What the fuck Plan B is, is anyone's guess but at least it's a plan; a direction and a hope. Hope is good.